Over the weekend, I attended a workshop about how to be happy. Part way through the seminar, I heard another attendee mutter, “...Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness…” (Declaration of Independence, 1776).
The right to pursue happiness is in America’s DNA. No wonder ads on billboards, in magazines, on social media, and on TV promise happiness if we buy their product as evidenced by the always-smiling faces staring back at us.
Want to be happier? Buy this car! Get the latest iPhone! Treat yourself to new clothes! Try DIY lip filler! Look younger with Botox! Get a straighter and whiter smile! Feel sultry and attract attention with this perfume! Find financial freedom (with my exclusive online course)! Eat this food! Better yet–get it delivered! Travel to this island! Find purpose by joining the Army!
I digress. When clients come to therapy, they all tell me they want to be happier. So, if pursuing societal standards of happiness doesn’t work, what does?
From the How to Be Happy workshop by Shira Hearn, LMFT, I learned that only 10% of our happiness comes from our current circumstances. Fifty percent of our happiness comes from our genetics, predispositions, and childhood environment. The last 40% is the only part that is fully in our control: our behavior and our character.
10% from Our Circumstances
There is a widely-accepted phenomenon to explain human happiness called the “hedonic treadmill.” In a nutshell, this means that no matter what happens in our lives, we will eventually return to our original state of happiness, which is termed a “set point.”
In other words, if you lose all your money, it will be awful for a little while, but then it wears off and you return to your original happiness set point. If you win the lottery, you will be happier for a little while, but then it, too, wears off and you return to your original happiness set point.
How can our set points help us in our quest for happiness? They can remind us to say “no” to ourselves when our greed for more entices us to buy something new. Remember that it will only make you happier for a week or two. Then, you will have to buy something else to feel happier again.
What about getting married? Loneliness is a source of unhappiness, right? Actually, research tells us getting married boosts our happiness for about 2 years, then we return to our set points again. Besides, expecting our spouses to take responsibility for our happiness is setting ourselves up for misery.
So, is there anything that can increase our set points? Yes! We’ll get to that below.
50% from Our Childhood
The next part of our happiness comes from the most important stage of our development: our childhood. Our parents’ set points largely influence our own. We absorbed how our parents responded to their circumstances and dealt with their unhappiness.
We are also all born with unique personalities, which are almost fully developed by the time we are at 2 weeks gestation–in the womb! Some personalities have a happier temperament, or higher set point, than others. It's out of our control.
Having a “normal” childhood without any major traumatic events can also influence this part of our happiness. Experiencing abuse, natural disasters, or a chaotic home environment can impact our happiness in a negative way.
Unlearning what our parents and caregivers inadvertently taught us about happiness and healing from childhood wounds can increase our happiness set points.
This part of our happiness has the largest influence on us. If you want to be happier, it is worth making sense of your childhood through therapy. Click here to make a counseling appointment with me today.
40% from Our Behavior and Character
The last part of our happiness comes from our actions and the nature of our hearts. This is the only part that is fully in our control. Some actions that are proven to increase happiness are easier than others.
For example, being outside in fresh air every day can boost our happiness. Serving others without any strings attached also increases our overall happiness. Giving people the benefit of the doubt–at all times–improves our happiness set points.
Increasing endorphins and dopamine neurologically increases our happiness. Exercising regularly, talking with our friends, eating nutritious food, practicing thankfulness, and hugging our loved ones are all ways we can set ourselves up for success.
Being generous with our time and money for the sake of generosity is a little more difficult. Most exchanges of our time and money give us something in return. Research tells us those who are truly generous are happier.
Imparting our knowledge to the next generation through mentorships is a great way to be generous. Giving our money to worthy causes is another way to be generous. Baking cookies for our neighbor or letting someone borrow something special from us are small ways to practice generosity. (The key is letting go of the fear that they might break it or never return it!)
Probably the most difficult action to increase our happiness is giving people the benefit of the doubt, which goes by another not-so-popular name: humility.
Think about a scenario where someone cuts you off in traffic. If you’re anything like me, I immediately think they did it on purpose to spite me! Or I see them on their phone, and I immediately believe they are a menace to society and should be stripped of their license to drive.
But what about when YOU cut someone else off in traffic? It’s never on purpose. If you’re like me, you apologize with hand gestures and hope the other person sees you. Maybe you had a really good reason, like you were rushing to get to an important appointment. Why is it so easy to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt but not easy to give it to those around us?
Because other people hurt us.
That’s the sticking point. Being humble requires us to let go of the right to be right. When someone hurts us, it requires us to leave our place of protective judgment and seek their perspective. The longer I sit on my throne of righteous indignation after being hurt, the more bitterness and unhappiness take over my heart.
The answer to my unhappiness in those moments is to act humbly.
Easier said than done, right?
This is where I am thankful for my belief in Jesus and the knowledge that He can help me. He never asks us to do things he hasn’t already done.
The ultimate vision of generosity and humility was Jesus’ unwarranted crucifixion. Not only did he freely sacrifice his literal life for the sake of humanity, but he also asked God to forgive the people torturing him because they didn’t know what they were doing. In his humility, he could understand why they were hurting him, and he chose to have compassion on them.
He didn’t yell at them. He didn’t try to explain his side of the story. He didn’t talk meanly about them behind their backs. He chose humility.
If you’re stuck in a cycle of unhappiness, this is good news for you. There are things you can do to get out of the cycle.
You can stop chasing consumerism. You can seek therapy to understand the impact of your childhood on your present-day happiness. You can work to be a better person--a person who responds to others with generosity, humility, and compassion.
And if you get stuck along the way, ask for help.
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